And she did it again. How many times had she done this? Hundreds? Thousands? And once again, I gave her another chance. For the hundredth times, maybe thousands.

                        “Liam I’m sorry I’ll never do it again.” She cried

                        “Again? AGAIN?! I know this isn’t your first time seeing some guy behind my back, Clary!” tears started to form in my eyes “I’m done with this. You know what? We should just- “

                        “I love you Liam I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She said, crying on the floor

            I froze. My heart was beating so fast. Those 3 words. Those 3 cursed words. Wake up Liam WAKE UP! Are you really going to let her get away with this? AGAIN? She was crying. Oh my God what had I done? How could I make the girl I loved cry? No Liam don’t fall for it again. Stop, don’t do it-

                        “Clary I’m sorry please don’t cry. I forgive you. Please stop crying, I love you.” I said comforting her.

            There she went again, begging for forgiveness, promising she would change for the better. Making it sound so sweet when she lied. And there I was, falling for it. Over and over again.

            Clary. The girl who had a way of turning sunshine into rain, yet also giving colors to my world. Everything was black and white for me before I met her. She gave me all kinds of emotions. Love and hatred. The one who brought tears of happiness and also sadness. Even though it hurt, she would always be my favorite pain.

Every day I treat her with love and affection.

I would drive her anywhere

I would buy her dresses, jewelries

I would wait for her until she comes home, watch the moon replace the sun

I would see her hang out with guys,

“They’re just friends. She loves you. Only you.” That’s what I keep telling myself. At least, that’s what you said. So I believed it.

I would do anything for her, even if it hurts me.

Whatever makes my girl happy. Anything.

            That morning, my alarm rang.

 “It’s 7 am already? I have to drive Clary to work at 7.30!”

I rushed my way to the restroom. I looked into the mirror and saw a stranger with a skinny figure. A stranger with hollowed eyes, a stranger with sunken cheeks and dark, dark under eye-bags. Who is this stranger? What have I become?

                        “Why are my eyes so red?” I asked myself. Then I remembered what happened last night. Clary. Why are you doing this to yourself Liam? She’s just using you! No, she loves me! I know it! I shook my thoughts aside. “She can’t look at me like this.” I washed my face and quickly dressed myself so I would look good to her and for once, she would be proud of the things I did for her. I took my keys and drove to Clary’s house.

            “I’m so late, I hope I don’t disappoint Clary!”

From the distance, I could see a car parked in front of her house. I stopped the car to observe closer. A man came out of the car and welcomed Clary with a huge smile on his face. So did Clary. Why can’t I make her smile like that? Are the things I’ve done not enough yet?

They hugged each other.

 I was shaking.

He kissed her cheek.

My heart sank.

I couldn’t breathe. Tears started to roll down my face.

            I cursed at myself. You could’ve done better Liam! Why can’t you be as perfect as him? You haven’t given her your all yet, that’s why she still preferred someone else!

I drove home and found myself sitting on the couch staring blankly into space with a bottle of alcohol in my hand.

            Just like a ferris wheel you were, Clary. You brought me up and then pull me down. It’s the same thing all over again but I’ll always enjoy the ride and decide to stay after all.